The trick, you see, is that they don't give you your magic wand in law school - you have to buy it. And they don't advertise to those whom prophecy reveals will practice criminal defense. I got lucky and just happened to hear the two guys a carrel over talking about the sale (they were prophecied to become obscenely wealthy working their way through BigLaw). So I snuck over and used my roomate's name to get my very own wand. It's great, I pull it out and "presto-change-o" prosecutors and judges become reaonable people.
The problem is that once I started to use it the prosecutors went out and started buying magic resistant armor. Of course, the prosecutors favor black and the federal prosecutors get armor which is a little bit of an overkill. And nowadays, judges all have protection hex t-shirts.
So, if anybody out there needs mine, I'm not getting any use out of it anymore. I think I'm going to have to change over to a kettle and eye of newt.
Inspired by Arbitrary and Capricious.