25 March 2006

Before I kill you, Mr. Bond, let me tell you my plan . . .

From United States v. Martin, ___ F3d ___, No. 04-6428 (6th Cir. 21 Feb 2006).
In fact, at oral argument counsel for the United States was asked if he could explain to the Court what types of offenses or common planning the government would concede to be related for the purposes of sentencing. Counsel had no idea. Instead, counsel spoke of such sophisticated planning that it believes is required under our case law that, in my opinion, only two types of criminals would be able to benefit from it: (1) perhaps a white collar criminal who keeps detailed records of the entire plan or (2) the James Bond movie villain, who prior to carrying out some grand scheme of world domination/annihilation, feels compelled to explain to anyone who will listen and in great detail (with intermittent villainous guffaws), each of the steps necessary to achieve his plan.1


1 See also Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (New Line Cinema 1997).

DR. EVIL: Scott, I want you to meet Daddy’s nemesis, Austin Powers.

SCOTT EVIL: Why are you feeding him? Why don’t you just kill him?

DR. EVIL: In due time.

SCOTT EVIL: But what if he escapes? Why don’t you just shoot him? What are you waiting for?

DR. EVIL: I have a better idea. I’m going to put him in an easily-escapable situation involving an overly-elaborate and exotic death.

SCOTT EVIL: Why don’t you just shoot him now? Here, I’ll get a gun. We’ll just shoot him. Bang! Dead. Done.

DR. EVIL: One more peep out of you and you’re grounded. Let’s begin.

Prior to this exchange and then again following it, Dr. Evil describes in great detail the separate crimes necessary to achieve his plan for world domination. Thus, if our Government ever does find Dr. Evil (or chooses to prosecute him despite his recent decision to be “less evil,” see Austin Powers in Goldmember (New Line Cinema 2002)), he will be one of the few, if any, criminal defendants, able to argue, consistent with this Circuit’s precedent, that all of his various crimes were “related” for purposes of the Guidelines.
It's actually discussed in depth here.

1 comment:

Eh Nonymous said...

Or to be more precise, since circuit6.blogspot.com will eventually have more recent posts, here.

I'd already seen the footnote - I think Howard had noted it - but thanks for pointing out the 6CirBlog.